And the Children Will Lead the Way

As so many of us are struggling to find our way through the current crisis, we are looking for strategies and ideas.  Where are the silver linings?  What is working to distract us from the horrors of the evening news?

I listened to a fascinating interview yesterday on the podcast Lovett or Leave It from Crooked Media.  A psychologist shared some very tangible strategies for keeping our mental health strong. Strategies include turning off the TV as the images can stay with us long after we want them to disappear, finding things to do that bring us joy (his favorite was watching Tiger King..um okay).  Getting outdoors and moving our bodies is another great tried and true tactic.

But I think the best guides for us in these difficult times are children.  If you have children or grandchildren, you know that they are experts at finding joy and fun in most everything they do. Their secret weapon is their imagination.  They dress up, they make friends from their stuffed animal collection, they play with sticks and rocks.   They lose themselves in books whether they can read them or not.  They run around outdoors in all kinds of weather.  Visit the neighboring elementary school playground during their afterschool program and you will see kids wearing shorts and t-shirts even when there is still snow on the ground.  Weather, what weather?

Kids have an uncanny way of being in the present.  At my beloved summer camp, I watch girls throw themselves into all kinds of fun.  From lying on their belly in the field looking for four-leaf clovers to hooting and hollering in the dining room when a special dessert comes out of the kitchen. Camp provides endless opportunities for boisterous fun and for quiet contemplation which is why it is such a special place for both children and adults.

And at the heart of the simple philosophy of camp is the practice of imagining yourself as the person you want to be.  If I were the person I want to be in this time of being quarantined at home, what would I be doing?  I would be exercising my creativity. I would be trying to be kind and loving to my husband.  I would be reaching out to friends and family.  I would be appreciating the beauty that surrounds us. I would be exercising compassion for myself and others and I would be looking for ways to experience joy.  Many of these practices come quite naturally to children.

My granddaughter Mabel is a bundle of energy and spirit and joy.  She lives every day filled with exuberance and fun.  Would that we could all be so lucky to live that way. Here's to finding your youthful spirit friends and to being the person you want to be, even through the most challenging times.

The Dirty Little Secret About Grandparents

There are so many times in life when people say to you-  Just you wait!  Just you wait until you stand on the rim of the Grand Canyon. Just you wait until you lay eyes on your first child.  Just you wait until you see Hamilton on Broadway.  The list goes on and on.  I have heard the same refrain from a number of friends about becoming a grandparent.

I remember a conversation a year or so with a wonderful theatre director/friend.  My daughter was newly pregnant and I was bemoaning a lack of focus in my life since leaving my company. I confessed to feeling a bit adrift.  She looked at me knowingly and said- just you wait.  Everything will change when that grand baby arrives. Okay. Sure. I guess. It's kind of hard to imagine it before it happens.  And then I recalled conversations with dear friends who were absolutely, positively smitten, over the moon,  in love with their grands.   This was not, mind you, just confined to women.  I've seen male friends equally nutty and deliriously in love with their next generation of small fry.

So now it's been my turn.  The day finally arrived when my sweet little Mabel entered our lives.  I  had the privilege of spending two months taking care of her.  To put into words the indescribable elation that I have experienced has been difficult for me.  I have shed more than my share of tears without really understanding why.  It is well documented that my heart lives just below the surface so it doesn't take much to send tears down my face. But this was something different than anything I'd ever experienced.  This felt biological or hormonal. I even asked friends if it was possible to have postpartum depression when you have a new grand baby.  I learned recently to my amazement that there is something very real that happens between mothers and their daughters and their babies.  There is an exchange of DNA between them that makes the experience truly biological.  It makes sense that a mother would pass down her DNA to her baby and that the baby would in turn share her DNA with her Mom.  I mean after all, she co-habitated inside your body for 9 whole months.  And then when your baby became a woman and had her own baby, the DNA exchange happened again, forever bonding the genetic thread from mother to mother.  This is not to diminish the power of parenting, no matter the circumstances, the gene pool, the family of origin.  When it comes to DNA exchange, fathers share their DNA too when they conceive a child. The difference is that they don't receive the DNA back from their children in the same way since they don't carry the baby.  I know, it all sounds a bit mumbo jumbo-ish.  This idea was shared with me by a friend so I have not researched it's veracity.  But it makes a lot of sense to me as it explains how profound the experience has been for me.


So after an intense two months of being the Granny Nanny, the full time caretaker for this morsel of deliciousness, I had to leave her.  I had to get in a car with my dog and drive back to Vermont, leaving her 2000 miles away.  The heartbreak was practically unbearable.  I have reflected on the fact that our society today has enabled us to move across the country, across the world to pursue our dreams. This often requires that we leave behind our family and friends.  There is something unnatural about that.  Of course I would never get in the way of either of my children's dreams and ambitions but when they start having babies, is it really necessary to be so far away?  Can't I just pop over occasionally for a hug and some play time?  Wouldn't it be great if we could visit and read books and sing songs? Wouldn't my sweet Mabel like to sit on my counter playing with measuring spoons while I bake some cookies?   Of course I am not alone.   There are legions of grandparents who drive away from their grand-children and weep.  They sit in their garages and weep.  They are depressed when the visits are over.  They cling to the photo stream and the memories and the videos of their grands.  And they are sad that the visits aren't more frequent.   There are some who are lucky enough to be close by.  They are the really lucky ones who jump at the invitation to come babysit, or to help out with all of the challenges of parenting and working and creating a strong, loving family.

The dirty little secret is that grandparents are really really sad when they say goodbye.  They yearn to be closer.  They weep.  It's good to know that I'm not actually going completely insane and to know that I am not alone.

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Anyone driving to Denver anytime soon?  Need a co-pilot?  Sign me up.

It's Christmas and I'm Back

A few years ago, I wrote a blog this time of year, reflecting on why I had lost my Christmas mojo.  I speculated that perhaps it had to do with my kids moving out. I dubbed it the lull between parenthood and grandparenthood.  I just wasn't feeling it.  I didn't really want to decorate my house or spend a lot of money on presents that no one needed.  I complained about decorating the house by myself.

But something incredible has happened. I have crossed over. I am back in the spirit and I attribute it to the newest gift in my life. I have a delicious baby grand.  I call her Mabelicious.   I am now a GramPear. I have been called Pear by many friends and family so it seems only fitting.  I was lucky enough to spend the last two months taking care of her as her Mom and Dad got ready to put her into daycare. Taking care of a baby is a tough gig, don't let me sugarcoat it.  But it got easier every day and by the time I was ready to head home, I was heartbroken. I was besotted and I was bereft.

So here's the Christmas miracle.  I'm back into celebrating the holiday.  I have holiday music playing full time.  From the Mormon Tabernacle choir to Pentatonix and everything in between.  I am a decorating fool.  I have every manner of Christmas lights up all over my house.  I am opening boxes of ornaments with new wonder and delight and recalling the stories that go with each one.   A friend told me a little known fact that the sooner you decorate for the holidays, the more you enjoy them.  And whether or not our house will be full of family and friends, I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it because it makes me feel warm and filled with the spirit.

I'm still not spending a lot of time shopping or buying presents.  I am all about getting rid of things, not accumulating them.  But buying presents for a small one is a wondrous experience.  And I still love the notion of gifting "experiences".  On Christmas night this year, we'll be in NYC and are going to see a Broadway show.  How much fun is that?  It'll be a different way to spend the holiday but I'm excited about it.

So if my newfound spirit is part of what this new chapter offers, bring it on.  I may have had to change my picture of what a holiday looks like.  But the best lesson I've learned is to do it for me. Do it because it makes me feel happy.  I wish all of my friends the same.

A Different Kind of Birthday

As I sat in the rocking chair tonight, with my sweet Mabel, wishing her to sleep, a dark shadow emerged from the hallway.  And then another.  It was Sydney, the black lab and Smooch my devoted blond lab, coming to make sure all was well. They plopped down on the floor in the nursery.  Always there. Always available.  Always attuned to me and my loved ones.  It was the end of a long day.  My new job, for now, is being the Granny Nanny.   This was not the birthday of years past.  There would be no dinner out with my dear husband or celebrations with my peeps at work.  A few times over the last few years, I have been lucky to be in rehearsal for a show so my birthday was celebrated by a big, larger than life, boisterous group of actors.  This year it was me and my grand baby and two Labrador retrievers. As usual, I enjoyed the bounty of a Facebook birthday where old friends from near and far, from this life and the lives before, resurfaced to send birthday greetings.  There is much to appreciate about what social media has allowed in our lives.  I love that annual tradition of reconnecting with so many.  Some of my friends posted that they hoped I was having a big party or celebrating with fervor. I have been known to be a bit of a party girl.  Hmmm.  Maybe not this year.

I got the usual phone calls from my family.  That’s kind of what we do.  We call each other and sometimes we sing happy birthday.  But I missed each call today as I attended to my sweet Mabel.  This is a different gig for sure.  It is consuming in ways that I didn’t imagine or managed to forget. I was happy to know that my family remembered me today but not unhappy that I was busy when the calls arrived. My husband, still in Vermont,  sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers that I will enjoy all week long.  I guess he misses me.

I had been in charge since 7:30 this morning when the kids went off to work and then to a rehearsal dinner for a wedding that they will be celebrating this weekend.  It was a long day but not without joyful moments.  What is better than teaching your first grand baby to sing Happy Birthday?  We sing and we sing a lot.  She seems to love it and of course so do I.

But my heart aches a bit for the life I had when life was overflowing with friends and colleagues and loved ones.  This experience of being in a different city, with a different family, albeit my own daughter, is a bit disorienting.  I am NOT complaining.  Not one bit.  But I am feeling the loss of my old life, in Vermont, in Boston, in business, with my a cappella group,  even at camp.  This year, it’s just me and the baby and the dogs.  I guess it’s all part of the passage of becoming a grandparent and leaving behind a busy work life, at least for now. 

Babies have an uncanny way of making us live in the moment.  Thankfully, they are not worrying about the stock market, or the shenanigans in our nation’s capital.  They eat, they sleep, they laugh, they sing and they appreciate the care that we shower on them.

That’s my gig for now.  Perhaps next year, I’ll throw a different kind of birthday celebration.  Who knows.  Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to celebrate with some of you.   

Just Say YES!

Travels with Smooch-  Pre-trip Planning

Sometimes in life you just have to say YES!  So what that life is busy and full and you are embarking on a huge and important theatrical project.  So what that the garden needs harvesting and weeding and the list of house projects is endless.  So what if your consulting business could use an infusion of juice.   When you are invited to come help your daughter and her husband take care of their new baby in a city 2000 miles away, you just say YES!

Here is the pot at the end of the rainbow.. this little morsel.  

And here are my dear friends who said YES!

And here is my trusty sidekick who is up for anything and couldn’t stand being left behind, even for a day.  

Now to pack for this adventure.  What the what?  How do you pack when you will be away that long?   

Coats- check

Footwear- check

No you don’t need 5 coats nor do you need 10 pairs of shoes.  I mean seriously what do you really need when you're hanging out with a delicious baby and two labrador retrievers? Perhaps the right strategy is to think camp.  Pack your trunk with a uniform- green shorts, white shirts, a sweater or two and be done with it.   Ok, maybe you put in a party dress or a nice outfit for Thanksgiving, but really what else is essential? 

How do you prepare your life to be put on hold for 2-3 months?  You bring your computer, your kindle, your phone and you let the rest just stay where it is. Surely it will be there when you return.

How do you map your route when there are so many things to see between here and there? You get on the phone with your stalwart traveling companions and you discuss packing lists and routes and strategies. What are we going to do when we can’t figure out how to attach the septic hose to the ..to the… to the… wait!  Where do we attach the septic hose? Don't panic.  There are videos.  The RV company has a call center.  We'll map a route on Roadtripper.com and hope for the best.  Our husbands will be at home gleefully watching the adventure, laughing at our travails. We’ll figure it out.  We hope.

And one thing is for sure.  We will chronicle the adventure.  We'll write about it and we'll take pictures of it.  We'll invite suggestions from our friends.  So here we go.

From West Boylston to Denver via the Poconos, Cleveland, St. Louis, Kansas City..  What should we see? Where should we eat?  (We’re searching for gems from Diners, Drive-ins and Dives) What should we listen to? (podcasts, books on tape)  Or maybe we’ll just gab our way across the country, solving all of the problems of the world.  We do have one genius strategy which is to listen to Hillary’s new book “What Happened” so that we can gnash our teeth and rail at the injustice of it all.  That should keep us awake and alert.

We’ll be sharing updates from the road here.  But if you have ideas for us.  Let us hear them.

And the next time you get the chance- just say YES!