The Used-To-Be List

In 1971 Ram Dass, a spiritual guru, published a book called Be Here Now, which ushered in the beginning of the mindfulness revolution.  He had previously been known as Richard Alpert and was a Harvard professor.  Like many accomplished people he had many layers.  With the help of psilocybin, a psychedelic drug, he had a spiritual awakening.  Through an intense hallucination he was able to see himself in all his aspects-  Richard Alpert, the professor.  Richard Albert, the social being.  Richard Albert, the lover.  The list was long.  One by one, these aspects of his identity appeared before him and then disappeared. He saw them as a vision in front of him and watched them fade away.  He had just thought to himself how fortunate he was that he still had his body, his physical being, when that began to disappear as well.  And what was left was Richard Alpert, in his Richard Alpert-essence. 

 

I have been reflecting on the various aspects of my identity.  With my challenging health status over the last two years, I have become truly impaired.  My hearing is diminished with hearing in only one ear, my vision is extremely challenged right now with double vision and as a result my balance is way off.  How has this affected me?  The list of things that I used to do, the person that I used to be has changed significantly.   I used to be a tennis player. (a pretty good one if I don’t mind saying).  I used to be a skier.  Skiing has been one of my all-time favorite sports for most of my life.  I love the freedom of it, the beautiful scenery and the collegiality of doing it with friends.  I used to be fearless in the ocean.  I would love to bob over the waves and ride them into shore.  I used to be a dancer.  The many musical productions that I have done as an actress showcased my dancing chops.  I even faked being a tap dancer in a production of Nunsense. I have loved singing my entire life and was able to hold my own in acapella groups from college as well as adulthood.  One of the greatest pleasures in my life was singing with my beloved acapella group, Custom Blend, in Massachusetts.  I have tears in my eyes now as I think about the loss of that group in my life.  But singing acapella requires serious musicianship and a really good ear.

And lest I forget my professional past.  I used to be a big cheese business executive. I worked for a lot of wonderful entrepreneurs.  I worked in Boston and Silicon Valley in the early days of the internet.  I ran teams and coached and mentored sales and marketing folks.   You see where this is going, right?

 

Used to be… executive, tennis player, skier, bodysurfer, dancer, singer… the list grows.

 

Now I know that many people lose their ability to do certain things as they get older.  But look around friends.  There are lots of “mature” skiers bombing down the slopes.  You can see active elders tearing up the tennis courts, or at least the pickle ball courts.  My decline has been accelerated by my health status. I can feel very sad about it if I let myself go there. But first, let’s look at the list of things that I are still part of my identity, of who I am.   I am a writer.  I am a budding multi-media artist, I am a dog mom and a grandmother.  I am a devoted mother and wife. I am a reader and a thinker.  I am a learner.  I am a friend. 

 

I haven’t given up on being a singer or an actress or a producer or a gardener.  I haven’t given up on being a mentor, or a camp counselor. I just need to adapt the way that I do all of these things.  I hope to add to the list of things that I can do and do well. And I need to be the very best version of wife/writer/artist/mom/grandmother/reader/thinker/learner/friend that I can be.  I need to celebrate my Perry-essence. Off we go.    

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